In My dreams
by SchoeneSeele
Summary: Going home for Christmas finally no longer in my dreams.


**AN: I know that this is being posted after Christmas but cut me some slack. This is truly nothing more than a one shot. It is merely a story to tell that sometimes we do get what we wish for. We do get to realize our dreams; we do get to seize a love so perfect. A love that not everyone will ever see. Let the story unfold**…

Dedication: To a love that graced my life and left in the same fashion as it came.

Disclaimer: They aren't mine, sad but true.

Gods she needed him, it was ridiculous how much she needed him. She could feel him on her like a second skin. Christmas was hardly an affair she wanted to deal in this year above all. She tried to dwell on the blessings she did have, the good things in her life. But she was spending Christmas alone in a house without him.

Her boys needed her though. Cameron needed to be excited about the snow on the ground about Santa making his famous appearance every year. He was the best example of the pure joy of the season and he was more than happy to share it all with his baby brother. He was too young to register the loss and the pain that surrounded every other person in his life. All he could see was the shining tree in the living room stuffed with presents and decorated to the hilt. This year the big boy that he was he had been granted with placing the star atop the tree.

And every night he begged his mommy to read him _The Night Before Christmas_ one more time. He was spending time with his daddy right now. She was sitting on the couch in a dark house not bothering to light it up. Jake her little baby boy soon to enjoy his first Christmas was spending time with Grandma. Cam had wanted the time with just him and Daddy. As far as Liz knew they were out shopping. Lucky was keeping him over the night. They both needed that small comfort.

She ached sitting in her empty living room. Her best friend was gone and with her so much of her heart had disappeared. She kept losing so many people in her life. She tried to be cheerful for her boys but in the silence she could just be what she was. She was sad and lonely. She would have given the world over to see Emily to hear her laughter one more time.

To see her celebrating with Nikolas and Spencer, to see Wyndemeere lit up like a fairy tale. She smiled in the dark at the irony. Emily had truly become a fairy tale princess with her prince. But the fairy tale hadn't lasted, happily ever after had been denied and a life was left behind. A life left full of promises and broken plans lying scattered like the snow burying half the town.

She knew logically that she needed to get up. She couldn't retreat on her couch forever. There was laundry to do, toys to pick up. She probably needed to make her way to the grocery store as loathe to it as she was. She didn't want to get up; she wanted to stay firmly where she was. More than that she wanted to go crawl into her bed upstairs and just lay there. There in the dark she could pretend. Pretend he was there and drift to sleep dreaming of being next to him.

She couldn't remember a time when she was so broken down. When she was aching soo badly. But life was calling her name not to mention the countless loads of laundry to do. Well she reasoned at least she had a late shift tomorrow maybe without the boys she could sleep in for an extra hour. Looking to her dark tree she moved finally from the couch. She walked silently padding to the Christmas tree flicking on the lights.

The little tree illuminated the room with a small glow that warmed her shattered heart. They said time healed all wounds but she had a bad feeling they were lying. Maybe it would maybe the light in her heart would glow again. A knock on the door interrupted her thoughts. She shifted her weight sighing. She was really hoping who ever it was would just go away. She didn't want to hear carolers outside her door, didn't want to deal with who ever was standing out there.

The knock persisted and she finally caved after another second or two. She flipped the switch to her living room lights. Wondering who in the world would be knocking at this hour. And even more so how they had known she was home without the lights on. Yanking open the door she was greeted with an all too familiar sight. He was standing there on her door step. He was covered in snow and she didn't have to look for his bike to know it was sitting next to her car in the drive way.

He looked at her their eyes locking in that moment. She ushered him in looking at him in confusion. She closed the door behind him and locked in back. She turned softly staring at him. Her heart betrayed her with a rush and that knot in her stomach. She was crossing her way towards him. Drawn to him like the proverbial moth to the flame.

He had driven more than once when he needed to clear his mind. He would usually ride up into the country letting his bike lead him to where ever he needed to be. But this time he couldn't find that peace. He couldn't find that calm place inside of him. He knew most people thought he was barely capable of any emotion but how wrong they were. There was a torrent raging inside of him and he could find no way to let it out.

He had paced for a good hour in the empty apartment. Spinelli was off somewhere with his laptop and Jason had to say he was glad for the silence. He couldn't help it couldn't help his heart. The loss surrounding his life was a bitter reminder of choices he had made so long ago. Losing his son, his sister, and the woman he was so clearly in love with were stinging inside of him. He couldn't wish everything away. He couldn't even find it in him to regret the life he had chosen.

One choice had lead to another and his life was what it was. He wanted to see her so much. Wanted to hear her laugh, see her smile. He could picture her and the boys gathered around the Christmas tree. He needed her like an ache his heart couldn't soothe an empty place that couldn't be filled up. Staring at the blank walls of his half lit apartment his eyes lighted upon that picture of Emily. He saw her smile lingering in the photo could almost hear her laughter echo in the room. He knew what she would say to him.

Knew that her life and her death were strong reminders. Reminders not to put off the things you needed to say. Not to place back the things you needed. To throw caution to the wind and be with the one you loved. No single person had the guarantee of tomorrow. He was acting before he knew it. He heard the slam of his apartment door and the ding of the elevator. But it all filtered in softly back ground noise to the raging torrent inside of him. He needed to ride. He needed to feel the wind on him as he sped away from the chaos of his current life. Maybe then he could find an answer in it all somewhere.

He knew the street he was angling into. He didn't want to admit to himself where he was or why. He was parking the bike searching for signs that she was there. He scanned the half empty looking house for a sign something. He finally eyed her car sitting parked in the drive way slowly being covered up with snow. It seemed silly to him but he wanted to walk into that house wanted to find her there. He had parked the bike and wasn't hesitating as he walked the last steps to her door step.

He stood in the swirling snow in the dark without a light to shine on him. His fist met wood as he knocked desperate to see her. His heart leapt when the door gave way. Her confused look gave the corners of his mouth a tug. She was ushering him into her dark home. He noticed the glowing tree in the corner. He walked into the living room oh too strongly reminded of that horrible day. After the funeral how he had come here to wait for her.

Most women would have been shocked and a little dismayed at finding someone in there house. But not her, she had never been happier to see him. He could remember her lips on his. Could remember holding her softly safely. She was the thing he kept coming back to. The person the fates kept denying him. Elizabeth looked at him as she drew closer. He watched her in a trance he hadn't felt his heart beat so loudly in a long time. She whispered his name breaking the spell, "Jason?" It was a question, an everything.

He closed the space between them and she let him pull her close. Her hand was caressing the side of his face gently. Brushing through his hair he closed tired eyes just enjoying such a simple touch. He hadn't been loved so perfectly so acceptingly in a very long time. He couldn't sight a time when life had given him his wish. He said her name and she smiled at the way he said it.

That smile made his heart grow light. She smiled at him with that perfect smile and those eyes he would gladly drown in. He almost didn't catch the words on her lips he was too busy drowning in her eyes. "I love you." Simple words, powerful statements, and a declaration to long in the making. He couldn't help the look of awe on his face and she was caught by that look. Caught by those eyes so many saw as empty and cold but she would always know better.

He muttered the same sentiment back to her. They stood there like a frozen statue of love immortalized. She was pulling him forward holding his hand. He was once again reminded of the funeral. But he had a feeling in his whole being that some things had definitely changed.

She pulled him into her bedroom, knowing the ramifications of there actions. She couldn't find it in her to care. They both needed this and when dawn came they would face it together. She couldn't keep denying this part of her. She had no doubts that he would protect her and their family. Family with him a concept so terrifyingly perfect. She was pulled out of her reverie by his mouth on hers. He was drowning in her touch. They were equally frozen flowers opening to the promise of bright light and the warmth of the thaw. Circumstances had denied them this for far too long, time had stood in the way. Life had left them broken and so far apart but not tonight.

Tonight as the world was sheltered from the coming dawn they walked that road together for the first time in what seemed too long. He could have spent the rest of his life with her like this. He lay still in her arms listening to hearts finally beating together as one. He wasn't giving this up again he didn't know what the morning would bring but he couldn't take walking away again. He couldn't spend the rest of his life without her and their son. He would have left if she had truly wanted that, he would have tried to retreat away.

But it seemed so very cruel to hide away forever. To live a life half alive, barely breathing for the gaping hole in his heart. Life wouldn't let them drift apart again. He had to fight for this, had to fight for the chance to stay like this on a very permanent basis. He could picture it perfectly as he played with her hair. Watching her wake up in the morning, rolling out of bed together. Digging out his socks from their drawers as she fished around for her clothes. Seeing her pad out of the room in her pajamas to get the boys up. Sitting across from her at the breakfast table, having someone to come home to at night. Having a family of his own finally.

He didn't know that her heart was in agreement with his. Her mind wandered as she felt his even breathing. Her breathing was finally coming back to a normal tempo his name still fresh on her lips. He was a habit she couldn't break, a price she was willing to pay. She wanted to see him in the morning, every morning for that matter. She had loved before but not like this. This was like breathing so easy and effortless, as natural as could be.

With Lucky the lies and life itself had obstructed that breath. Had torn it from them until they lay gasping for air. They had been drowning in the lie they were trying to live around. They had eventually drowned together and she had lain there in the water. Her heart had been like a person left to drown in freezing water. She had been paralyzed unable to pull herself above the waters. He had though he had pulled her from the near watery grave. He had saved her.

She wanted to keep him however selfish it was. When dawn came there would be some definite things to arrange. It was time he knew he was loved. Time he could have a family of his own. Time to raise their son together. Cam would always be Lucky's little boy but Jake had a father. A father who deserved to hear his little boy call him Daddy. To be there when he first walked and talked to share the triumphs and sorrows of his life. Two hearts agreed and when dawn came they would begin anew this Christmas together.

The world that lay covered in white a peace unbroken yet by that grey dawn to come. She stayed still in his arms as he watched her sleep. It would soon be time to get up. To face the world together. He didn't know what came next but he could hope and he could dream. He watched her smile in her sleep and thanked god for her. She dreamed of what could be and what she was determined to see happen. Together they could conquer the world and together they would make their dreams come true. This Christmas they had both come home in more than just their dreams.

**AN: I hope you enjoyed and review at will.**


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